Needs...

What I thought I needed and what I need, like usual, are turning out to be two different things. Before I always thought I needed the basic dream we are all taught. Wife, kids, pet, house, cars, items of useless meaning upon wasted resources and space.

What I'm realizing I need isn't a partner as much as a companion. Not a house as much as a home. Not a vast richness of items but a simplistic life with a richness of soul and spirit. I still need my kid, but that's a reflection for another time, as that is a pain I'm still facing.

I always thought I needed sound around me, noise to drown out my thoughts. Instead I've learned I need to embrace my thoughts, embrace my pain...so I can let it all go. Coincidentally, here's something I told a close friend just moments ago about this very tangent. I was telling them about the chaos I live in and how instead of blocking it out, fighting it, which hasn't been working I figured out something else:

"... I realized I need to learn to accept them, see them, take them in and let them roll through me, observe it and feel it, then after it becomes a passive observation rather than a conscious experience, I can let it go. I did it with the noise around me. First the girls noise stopped, then I focused on the smell and it left, finally on the wind, and it went silent. Then thought came and went, some good, some bad, all released into something better. Now, I'm sitting in the dark, in the quiet of my room. Their noise isn't getting to me. And I'm writing."

I've talked to many people over the years about my curse of bad luck. Even recently I've mentioned how the universe likes to play practical jokes at my behalf.

Well the joke was on me, I was the prankster.

For years a few friends or resources would come to my attention, telling me I create all the chaos and strife. I never understood what they meant until lately. Now it's clear as day.

I bury so much negativity and hurt that my cup runneth over. This excess that I can't bury anymore pours over into my life, influencing people and events around me. This negative energy disrupts the natural harmony of the universe, making me an island of frustration and fear in a sea of bliss and tranquility. Facing these pains rather than hide them, is the key to getting off the island and losing yourself into the sea.

These pains, they're a part of you, a part of me. Fighting it is useless, might as well try to walk with a leg tied to the back of your head, you'll get just as far and look just as foolish. Instead, accept it as a part of you. Let it surface, observe it, feel it, and then let it pass. I've always distracted myself from my pain. But in really facing it, I'm learning to let it go.

This release brings a peace and quiet I haven't known in years. I sit here, in the dark, noise around me. But I'm in quiet, I'm in peace, I'm in a place of love, and inside myself I'm home.

What I've learned of communicating with self.

I've been going through an experience of sorts over the last couple years. Perhaps more of a combination of several experiences that are leading up to the conclusion of a chapter and the new beginning of another.

I have really looked into my life, what I can remember of my history, what I can fathom of my potential future, and where I stand at present in the mix. Through this introspective inspection, I've remembered or relearned self awareness. Not in the sense that I'm conscious and I exist. But in the sense that I'm conscious for a reason, and I have a purpose for existing. I've remembered how and also am still learning how to listen to that voiceless whisper.

I'm realizing again that I am not meant to lead myself with my brain, nor my heart. But by this quiet call. This soundless voice calls to me, tells me what is next in my life. My heart  and brain work together to interpret this. My heart tells me when a choice may be true or wrong. May unexplainably latch on to a direction and not let go. It's my brains job to figure out what steps to take, run them by the heart for final approval, and convert the joint decision to a real world application.

The problem is the brain likes to panic. The quiet voice can't soothe the brain, it has no way of speaking with the brain. It can only speak to the heart. The heart, a thinking organ in itself, doesn't really speak the same language as the brain. And if the brain isn't listening, it doesn't see what the heart is saying. It doesn't even hear the heart over its own over analytical noise.

The brain, when put into overdrive gets scared easily.  Think of it as the war room at the Pentagon as represented in some movie featuring a life ending cataclysm. Generals running around screaming and yelling and arguing, and not listening to the mild mannered guy in the corner with the glasses.

When you cut the heart out of the chain of command, you eliminate your link to the only true voice of reason there is. Think of this in religious terminology. If you won't listen to the messenger angel, how can you hear the words of God?

When in doubt, when you're frightened about your steps in life, when you're confused and unsure, always listen to your heart. It has the ability to interpret and analyze what you need in a way the brain can't. Your brain doesn't know what you need, it only knows how to get you there. Your heart knows, it is the direct line from the greater consciousness. Silence your brain. Listen to your heart. Follow your hearts direction. Your brain will try to stop this at times, through insecurity, through fear, through
confusion. Remind your brain that it is not in charge, it is merely a tool to be used by your spirit. You, your spirit, which thinks with your heart, is in charge of you. Remind your physical body of this, close your eyes, take a breath and center yourself, remind your body of the choice that spirit has made, and choose in the physical sense to relax and be calm.

It's difficult, and at times takes more than once to convince the body that everything will be ok. But it is possible, and easier with practice. And worth it, because it allows spirit to accomplish greater spirits goal of learning.